Choices

I don't believe in right or wrong choices. They are just choices. Some will make your life harder, some will make it easier. Some don't matter one way or the other. Some you make out of supposed obligations to others. Some choices you think you should make for various reasons. Other choices are influenced by our culture, our peers, our conscience, or our circumstances. 

Sometimes life makes decisions for you. Especially if you waver and wait and are indecisive. And most especially, if you make a choice you weren't sure was the right one for you, life has a way of kicking you back on track.

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If we try to think our way to a decision, as many cultures dictate we do, we forget to look inward to our innate wisdom for an answer. Feeling our way to an answer is almost frowned upon in our world. 

Don't get me wrong, I am not advocating a follow-your-passion-and-to-hell-with-paying-the-bills kind of looking inward, although I have been known to take this approach in the past. 

The deep "checking in" we can do to consult our intuition does not advocate drastic self-harming choices. This inner voice will whisper your truth and give you little nudges in the right direction. 

And then sometimes if you don't listen it will smack you in the face.

When big choices have come my way, my first reaction is "Really? Right now?" Our souls (heart, inner truth, inner wisdom, or whatever you want to call it) will tell you that you are done with something, you are ready to move on, or you are ready to start a new chapter. And when that happens, it is our job to start moving in that direction. 

The transition can be rough. Just because you got this message, doesn't mean you can just drop everything then and there. In this physical world, we have commitments, contracts, and circumstances that need to be taken into account. Things to finish, things to wrap up. And the slower that process is, the more likely we will get to the point where it no longer nudges us, but slaps us in the face. Or like my friend says: "...it sends the Mack truck!"

While I was finishing up my commitments to my live shows (which took me over a year and a half to wrap up) my "slaps in the face" were migraines and fatigue, telling me "You are done with this chapter." The result of taking so long between getting the first message and the final wrap-up was a combination of total burnout and a lack of enthusiasm for the craft. I don't know that I would have been able to do anything different, but it does sadden me that certain musical endeavors for the moment hold no joy for me. 

Could I have chosen differently? Perhaps I could have avoided the total burnout and perhaps not destroyed my love for the thing I so passionately pursued over a decade, had I chosen to break some commitments, rather than choose to fulfill them? But then, would that choice have burned bridges I would have otherwise wanted or needed to cross in the future? 

Thus goes the eternal tug of war between the inner world and the physical one. Things can take a while to bring into existence. We never know which choices led to the next path, which led us to things we could have been without, and which inevitably shaped us into who we are. 

For now, and for the past few years, I have chosen to withdraw from the world. At least compared to how much of a spotlight I chose in years past. My heart, my soul, and my physical body needed rest and healing. I'm still in this hermit stage, sharing from within my cave, as I slowly dabble in the arts that most nourish me. For the moment, the art of painting draws me in. But I find that words do too. Somewhere along the way, I stopped blogging (as it was called in the old days). So I am picking that back up. This time, it's not because I feel I have to, but because I want to. I choose to.